Kapiolani
Community College Diamond Journal 2003Fall
Kapiolani
Community College
Diamond Journal 2003Fall
Infidelity. Is it old or new? It seems to me that infidelity among
women is on the rise. Recently I have more and more female clients confess
to me about their extramarital affairs. According to the electronic article “Adultery:
Statistics on Cheating Spouses,” published by Eagle’s Nest Publications,
“60-70 percent of adultery victims are women” while “30-40
percent of adultery victims are men.” Okay. So, men are still the leaders
of adultery.
Dr. Holly Hein, author of the book Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy
at the Crossroads wrote, “In the history of mankind, sexual intimacy did
not begin with fidelity. Male and female met, mated, and separated in the same
manner as almost all other animals” (11). So, there was no such thing
as infidelity. Perhaps after hunting, the men went to the woman and traded meat
for sex? Men weren’t the “bread winners;” they were the “meat
conquerors.” Also Hein said, women “gathered together in groups
in order to better ensure the survival of their young” (12), hence, “the
evolution of cultivation and storage” (12). Men were lured by sex and
eventually communities developed and so did marriage. Marriage was no more than
a means of survival. “Marriage existed in the context of procreation”
(Hein 12). Infidelity was not even a thought. According to Hein, only until
“the Holy Roman Empire and canonical law were at their peak did marriage
become a holy sacrament” (12, 13). Love was not a major concern in a marriage.
Marriage back then was about keeping or adding wealth in or to a family.
Once upon a time, love and romance did not coincide in a marriage. Hein wrote, “Love in the context of romantic love did not enter society’s vocabulary
until the twelfth century” (13). So, marrying for love is not innate in
human beings. It is something that evolved over time. Presently, I feel that
we are in the midst of yet another change.
Women are working outside the home making their own money. The energy a wife
once spent on nurturing a husband and children are reallocated to her work.
Dr. John Gray explains in his book Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace
with the Opposite Sex that in a relationship when a woman gives to a man, regardless
of what it is, the man will perceive it as his entitlement. This is becuase
most men cannot fathom the thought of giving when he is not receiving. For
instance, “Often a man assumes that the score is even because a woman continues
to give when she is not getting” (Gray 131).
Romance, love, passionate sex, and intimacy – can we have it all with
just one man? Nowadays many women are their own breadwinners and that means
there is one less reason for a woman to marry. According to the Population Reference
Bureau, “In 1990, about 22 percent of woman in dual-income households
earned more than their husbands; by 2002, this percentage increased to 28 percent.”
And “Between 1975 and 2002, the share of Americans who had never married
increased from about 24 percent to 29 percent” (“AmeriStat”
1). Okay. So, AmeriStat does not specify if these Americans who are not getting
hitched are male or female: nonetheless marriage is on the decline. Is that
why the “Bush administration proposed adding $300 million to promote getting
and staying married” (“Here Comes” 1).
I suspect the demand for intimacy is higher among women. A woman can exchange
sex with a man for sex with a vibrator. Pure sex is no longer limited to being
with a man. Pure sex is accomplished with “Rabbit.” What is “Rabbit?”
Let me put it this way… You can buy it at Sensually Yours on Nimitz. As
far as sexual dynamics are concerned, no man can compete with “Rabbit.”
Therefore, a man has got to offer more to his wife or partner than his penis:
raw sex.
“ Between 1970 and 2002, the percentage of adults who lived alone increased
from 8 percent to 14 percent” (“AmeriStat” 1). Hundreds of
women during my eighteen years of salon service sat at my table and said they
would never remarry. They were older women (40 plus) who were either widowed,
divorced, or who had one leg out the door in a marriage. When I was young and
insecure about my financial future, I had no idea where those ladies were coming
from. Now I have crow’s feet, a pot belly, and weathered hands from years
of hard work, and oh yeah, wrinkles on my forehead from worrying about finances.
By the way, I’m married, and I still worry about my financial future.
That’s why recently I told my husband, “If I have to carry the weight
of the world on my shoulders, then I’d rather be alone.” I am proud
to report that he is currently “stepping up to the plate.”
If marriage in on the decline, why does a recent article on social trends regarding
marriage claim the following?
The trend to couple up is reflected in the brisk sales of such books as The
Rules, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, and seems to be happening in spite
of the popularity of such ‘singles’ television programs as ‘Ally
McBeal’ and ‘Friends.’ It’s fueled, experts say, by
a new emphasis on family values, a backlash against the ‘divorce culture’
of the 1970’s and 1980’s, and an increase in AIDS and other sexually
transmitted diseases. (“The Mating Game” 1)
"Affairs are reflections of how we isolate ourselves from our marriage
partner” (Hein 15). If you isolate yourself from your partner, you will
definitely crave intimacy from someone else. I wonder if I am guilty of infidelity?
I am intimate with many of my clients. (As a manicurist), I spend every day
at work sharing my soul with my clients for the most part, my clients bare
their
soul to me. When I get home, I’m drained. My clients know more about
my psyche than my husband. I’d much rather talk and share with women
than my own husband. Why? Because my clients who are women understand me!
We’re
the same creatures from the same planet! And my husband never seems to “get
it” or “get me.” Am I withholding intimacy from my husband?
Is this emotional adultery? Furthermore, morally I ask, why is it okay to
be
emotionally intimate with someone of the same sex and not okay with the opposite
sex? Is masturbating infidelity? Masturbating is safe sex, so I guess the
Board
of Health would promote it. Most people I know would say no. Why is it okay
to have sex with yourself but not with someone else outside of a marriage
or
committed relationship?
Let’s get one thing straight. Intimacy is not sex! Something I’ve
been trying to explain to my husband for what seems like forever. Sex may be
a result of intimacy, but it is not intimacy. According to a survey on infidelity,
done by E-Poll / Bridge Entertainment, 22 percent of women cross the line of
fidelity because of loneliness, whereas only 9 percent of men used loneliness
as an excuse. In fact, the survey showed 22 percent of men said their reason
for infidelity was because of “perfect opportunity” and 21 percent
claimed, “not getting enough sex.” I can’t help but ask “perfect
opportunity?” What is that? “The Devil made me do it?” Or
“Man thinking with brain below?” Or perhaps the simple reasoning
of “I won’t get caught.” Another interesting thing the E-Poll
survey showed is that 13 percent of women cheated to prove that “they
are still sexy/attractive to others” as opposed to only 9 percent of men.
It appears women are more concerned with their packaging than men are. I think
that’s true! My husband and son think nothing of parading around our home
butt naked before bath time! Which is something my daughter and I have never
done.
Because intimacy is not sex, it’s no wonder that some heterosexuals chose
to be in homosexual relationships appeal to some. It’s easier to communicate
with the same gender and communication has to happen in order to have intimacy
and the results of intimacy is sex. About ten years ago, I had a client who
was in her early twenties. She was in a lesbian relationship. She told me that
prior to her relationship with “Janet” (fake name) she experienced
a horrific relationship with a male. “Janet” befriended her and
the rest is history. I never asked my client questions about her transition
from sexual relations with a male to a female, but, now I’m beginning
to understand.
According to Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, infidelity
is simply defined as “breach of trust: unfaithfulness to a charge or a
moral obligation: disloyalty.” That sounds simple. But my definition,
“When a partner in a committed sexual relationship fornicates with someone
outside of the relationship or marriage,” focuses on adultery. But infidelity
is not only about sex.
In the book Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal,
the definition of infidelity becomes even broader, Cyber-sex! Using the computer
via the Internet to reach orgasm is considered infidelity. Now that’s
debatable. The book talks about three ingredients in love: passion, intimacy,
and commitment. “Passion alone is infatuation. Intimacy alone is friendship.
Passion combined with intimacy forms romantic love. Commitment alone is ‘empty
love’” (Maheu and Subotnik 44).
When I started this essay my question was about statistics regarding infidelity.
I wanted numbers to prove my hunch that infidelity is on the rise among women.
I thought that perhaps statistics would show me that women have finally caught
up with men in numbers to the point of equality. But I found myself more concerned
with the definition of infidelity than numbers.
Eleven years ago, I told my husband that he could not have female friends.
And likewise, neither could I have male friends. I told him about emotional
adultery.
I think I learned that from church long ago. So long ago that I forgot what
church. Anyway, my point was not to leave the door open for temptation. Sometimes
I think of men as animals. Not in a bad way but more instinctual like animals.
And according to the statistics I got from E-Poll over the Internet as mentioned
earlier, 22 percent of men are “sexual opportunists,” a term that
makes me think of a cougar pouncing on his prey.
Now that I’ve been married for too long I find myself wanting to redefine
infidelity to my husband as well as myself. My husband has over the years proven
himself incapable of being there for me emotionally. Recently I have come to
recognize the void within me. I guess my female friends have veiled my awareness,
or perhaps they were acting as band-aids to my inadequate marriage by giving
me intimacy. I did not expect it from my husband. Or did I? Maybe I subconsciously
got intimacy somewhere else and unbeknownst to me resented him for it. Little
did I know it was a strain on our marriage. I find myself longing for a male
friend to be emotionally involved with. Somehow female intimacy is not enough.
And I don’t care if my husband finds another woman to confide in, because
he drains me. I’m beginning to like the idea of concubines! Let my husband
have all the shallow sex he wants with sex objects…Oh, I mean concubines
and just give me a man with ears I can burn and “Rabbit.” Some people
would say that another man’s ears and “Rabbit” is infidelity
and some would say not. What would you say about it? What would your friends
say? The word infidelity in my opinion is open for interpretation. Just like
laws. That’s why we have lawyers and courtrooms. Oh yeah, and therapists.
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